sitting with the Divine

can i tell you where i’ve been? what i’ve done and failed to do … can i tell you who i’ve loved? the risks involved; costs paid, the shame and the ecstasy … can you sit with me a spell? can you hold me till i can feel you? can you love me as i have loved another? can you teach me how to love you? can you rock me in your arms? can you satiate my desire? can you remind me who i’ve been, who i am and will become? can you take my hand in yours, guide me to a brand new day … tell me that you love me now more than yesterday; just as i am, no matter where i’ve been?

Let's hear it for the Boy!

Last Sunday I attended a dance recital in which my nephew ~ pictured above, I mean ABOVE ~ rocked the house! I mean HE CAN DANCE! If you'd like to see him in action go here ... He's the TALL one with no hair. :) Here he's dancing with his teacher!

Dad's first Heavenly Birthday!!

We're celebrating you today, Dad ... Grandpa, Uncle, Cousin, E.H., Harold ... on your first Heavenly Birthday! There are Facebook posts, Mass intentions, cemetery visits, vases of flowers, hot toddy sippers, pizza eaters, and so many fans loving you A WHOLE, GREAT, BIG BUNCH today and everyday since you left us one year ago. Feel free to join us at any time and make your warm presence known. We miss you!

One Week Ago Today

A journal entry from June 26, 2009

My father was buried one week ago today. Before the coffin was closed, people were invited to say their last goodbyes. I waited until everyone else had passed before I went up. He looked asleep, that's all. I removed my mobius ring from my right hand and put it on the little finger of his left hand. I wore it as a reminder that what is inside of us flows constantly outwards and vice-versa. My dad lived that way ~ what you saw is what you got and who he was. It was my way of being with him in the next life to give him the ring. I made a sign of the cross with my thumb on his forehead and sealed it with a kiss. I whispered to him that I loved him and then the casket was closed.

Waking My Dad

A journal entry from June 18, 2009

What did you think of the day, Dad? There were so many people who came to see you ... So much love and respect was spoken of you, so rightly so. I know you were proud of your family today ~ were you surpised by the witness of your life spoken by your grandchildren? They adored you, Dad. I miss you. It felt almost like watching a dream ... Seeing you in that box. I kept waiting for you to open your eyes and smile with your wink, but you did not move. I found myself saying over and over again "I cannot believe my dad has died." I truly am in great disbelief. My tears speak of my great love for you, Dad. I wish you hadn't left us so soon, so quickly. I love you.

My Dad Left Us Today

A journal entry from June 15, 2009:

My dad left us today. He always said he was counting on there being a purgatory so he'd have a chance at heaven. But he needn't have worried, not even for a second. My dad was one of the kindest, most giving people to walk this earth. He asked nothing of anyone except for them to be themselves. And he had a WONDERFUL sense of humor. He loved to laugh and he used to thank Trish and me for coming by and making him laugh. All of his children received his sense of humor and love of laughter. My dad was greatly respected by all of his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, all of whom are shedding tears this night. I miss you, Dad, and "I love you a whole great big bunch."

A Visit With Dad

A journal entry from June 4, 2009:

I saw my dad today. I could not believe my eyes. I took his hand and he held on tight. He looked so sick, so weak. I struggled to keep my tears inside - I did not want to scare him. He just kept smiling at me and mouthing the words "I love you" over and over again. I gave him my card and Trish read to him the message I'd written inside ...

Dad,

If I could choose to be anyone I wanted to be

I would choose to be you.

You are goodness and light,

peace and mercy,

generosity and grace,

kindness and love.

You are a helper to those in need

and a consoler to those in sorrow.

You are strength, patience, and welcomer

to everyone and everything that crosses your path.

From you I have learned that every gift needs to be shared

and every person be given a seat;

that animals should be respected

and children taken care of;

that truth allows freedom

and money deserves responsibility;

that patriotism involves love

and family is everything.

That a smile is indeed a funny thing and does wrinkle one's face ~

though I never have been able to locate its secret hiding place! :)

I love you, Dad, with every single bit of my heart and soul,

and I thank you for finding me worthy to be your daughter.

I love you,

Sarah

Trish put it on the wall where he could see it before we left.

Home Again

A journal entry from June 4, 2009:

You have grown so much, Mijo, but you're still my little peanut. I love your waddly walk and fascination of all things new; your nose-scrunching smile and courageous abandon to push the limit - even if it is your own. And your love of song and musical instruments makes my soul soar. To end the day rocking you to sleep in my arms ~ or was it me in your arms? Either way was pure Sacrament; a Sacred moment for which I am deeply grateful. Tomorrow, Mijo, when I venture to visit your Grandpa, I will remember this night, these moments, and take virtual refuge in your arms. I will invite Grandpa to join us this time.

Remembering Dad

Last year at this time my father was quite ill and preparing to undergo a necessary surgery to restore his health. Because I was some 500 miles away and the surgery was deemed risky for his age and current health, I prepared to travel to visit him a week before he was to go into surgery. I knew I had only a couple of days to spend with him and that this could possibly be my goodbye. I wanted to leave him SOMEthing, but what? I decided to make him a card. I put a crayon in my nondominant hand and drew a picture of him with his eight children. He would be delighted with something made by hand, no matter what it looked like. I would take it with me and add a message to the inside before I saw him ...

Everyday faith ...

I read this morning on Facebook an entry that asked: "How do you live life so your faith is totally part of your life?"

Here's my answer: I try to recognize daily at least one thing for which I am grateful about myself and the day ... and when I can't think of anything, I listen for butterfly sneezes ~ works every time! ;]